I’m not very good at this…yet

Hello my FABULOUS lovelies! ❤

It has been too long! I know I just shared a post I had written in October, but I feel like so many good things have happened since then that I need to share! I really want to utilize my blog for good to help people. Right now I have no idea what direction I ultimately want to go in, but I feel like opening up about my experiences with different things in life will help others somehow. I sense that my direction may be along the lines of mental health awareness and different coping methods for living day-to-day with a mental health disorder. I have always wanted to help people – even if it never really seemed like it – I did. I never knew how to connect or execute my help properly, though. Most of the time I’m just scared that I’m going to say the wrong thing or do something stupid and then not be able to help someone at all. I’m not talking about helping someone with chores or opening a door for someone because I already do those things (okay, chores I could work on a little more.) I just want to be there for people and help them with life in general I guess. Now, do not think I am trying to say that I am trying to be some “know-it-all” that is an expert at life because that’s not true for anyone. No one is a master at life – even if some people like to think that they are. The kind of help I am talking about is pretty much just being a good friend. I know in the past I have messed up and destroyed a lot of friendships, which I feel extremely guilty about up to this day. I wish I knew what I could do to fix some of those past friendships, but at the same time I can’t let that hold me back from moving forward and cultivating new friendships or “renewing” old friendships in a different way. I don’t know why, but I always feel like it is so hard to just strike up a conversation with anyone about anything. Honestly, if you left me in a waiting room without a phone, radio, magazine or other “distractions,” and alone with another random person for more than 10 minutes, I would literally starting sweating my butt off and start worrying about the deafening silence in the room. Then, it would probably turn into something along the lines of embarrassing “word vomit” about anything and everything that is on my mind in which place would probably make the other person nervous or want to leave. At least that’s how I see that situation playing out – I could be totally wrong.

In any case, I definitely want to use this platform to raise awareness of different mental health disorders because it has affected me for the greater part of the last ten years of my life. As I mentioned before it has been part of the reason for the destruction of many of my past relationships with friends and family. I’m not saying it’s the exact reason why because I was definitely in control of my mind and actions, so in hindsight I should have known better to not behave or react the way I did in many of those situations. I’m going to throw this out there now because I feel there is a stigma of what “crazy” looks like and to be completely honest I definitely do not like the words “crazy” or “psycho.” Within the past few months I have been diagnosed as having Type II Bipolar disorder. Many people have this disorder and it can some times be genetic. Patty Duke is a celebrity who raised a lot of awareness on this disorder as she had it, also. The late Carrie Fisher suffered from this same disorder, as well. There are many people whom you would never know were fighting this everyday battle (for lack of a better term) and to be honest most days it can be downright exhausting. I will definitely go into more detail about my experience with this disorder and hope to raise positive awareness on the issue, but for anyone who may be suffering from ANY illness (disease, disorder, disability, etc.) – PLEASE realize that there are so many people out there that are willing to help! Don’t try to take it all on yourself – I truly believe that the ultimate reason why we are all on this planet is to help one another. Not help others for a personal gain or benefit, but to help others with genuine love and compassion. Whether you’re spiritual or not, being decent and helping those who struggle just by being there for them could mean everything to someone. I can guarantee you’ll feel great about yourself, too, for helping someone other than yourself!

Until next time, stay fabulous and let life be fickle!

Toodles! ❤